D-Sisive: Jonestown 3.The Dream Is Over (FREE Download)
Music has never been my therapy.
Maybe itís because my past tragedies are the foundation for most of my work, but Iíve never been able to relate to an artist who credits his|her music as therapeutic. Iíve always had to dig. Time travel. Back to memories I wished Iíd never remember again. Fortunately, and unfortunately, thatís never the case. We can suppress them. Pack them away in Tupperware. But they always come back. In dreams. The shower. During movies or songs. Smells. Meals. Something always seems to trigger them when you least expect it. This is why creating, intentionally fishing, could never be therapeutic for me.
Banana Bread [a song on Jonestown 3] was inspired by a fanís letter telling me she asked her grandmother to pray for me. The opening lines brought me to an afternoon I spent with my father. He was telling me about the day my grandmother, his mother, died, and how he morbidly felt satisfaction. I felt sickened, and let him know. He told me Ďdonít make judgment calls on what you havenít lived.í I never took into consideration what he was put through. My grandmother was an alcoholic of the worst kind. She was also the most beautiful person when sober. But thatís always the case.
Writing about that story reminded me of what I went through with my father, who also eventually died because of alcoholism. History repeated itself. I didnít experience a tenth of what he did. He was distant, but wasnít abusive. He always made sure I was taken care of, but was selfish with his self-abuse. Thatís what I had to deal with. Revisiting this was far from therapeutic. Nothing was lifted off my chest. In fact it made me feel worse. But I believe this is necessary for my art.
ďSome people must go to extremes to get the world in balance for themselves. Some canít bear bright lights, so wherever they go they search for the dark; they turn the lights down, anything to sustain some level of comfort.Ē -Julian Schnabel
This has always been my process. And always will. If you want to dance, listen to the radio. Escape. We all need to dance at some point in our lives. Even Iíve done the Lambada once or twice, as horrifying as that is to imagine. But we also need to come back down. And Iím fortunate enough to say Iíve been there waiting for you when you landed.
ďDo not go where the path may lead, go instead where there is no path and leave a trail.Ē -Ralph Waldo Emerson
And here she is...
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