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THE REASONS TV SUCKS TODAY
As I lay here in bed trying to recover from yet another sports injury I received trying to relive my high school dumbell curling days, I'm presented with 500 channels of current TV shows. I don't watch TV except for basketball and Law & Order SVU, so I'm ignorant to what's out there. Now that I have no choice but to see what is, I must say modern day TV is trash and these network execs need to be placed before a firing squad.
My first beef is TV villains. Back in the day the villain on an hour long cop show would scare the sh*t outta you. Like you couldn't sleep after a Hawaii Five-0 rerun. Wo Fat was evil as a muthaf*cka. That dude was just an ornery muthaf*cka, you'd never want to meet Wo Fat under any circumstance. Ever. Harry-O, McCloud, Rockford Files, shit even Knight Rider. The villains on those shows, you know when they came to your door they weren't sellin no f*ckin Avon and it wasn't no Jehovah Witness either. You were bout to get lumpified real good. They wouldn't even shoot you, they'd just throw knuckles with you and throw you through plate glass windows until you were carried out on a stretcher. No Mapquest, no internet, no digital special F/X, no sh*t. Just a knuckle sandwich and if you were high tech, a walkie talkie. I miss a good a*s whuppin on TV. Even on Murder She Wrote and Columbo, those old ladies were triflin. The b*tch would at least put D-Con roach killer in your coffee or something. Law & Order Criminal Intent? 12 plots in 3 minutes. Some argyle sock wearin tennis buff from Chappaqua is the damn villain on a crime of passion or insurance fraud? Zzzzzzzzzzzz. Even THRUSH, The Joker and KAOS from U.N.C.L.E., Batman and Get Smart, respectively, scared me as a kid and they were f*ckin comedies and cartoons. I keep hearing The Wire is a good show, but I don't have HBO and shouldn't have to have HBO to see some good TV.
If I see one more Emo, V05 Hotlook Gel wearing, N-Sync Max Headroom lookin, TRL pretty boy cop or some Alex P. Keaton, Luke Perry surfer boy playing a serial mudrer…I'm gonna toss this TV out the window of my car next time I'm on the Cross Island Parkway, hopefully the speed destroys any chance of the sh*t working again .
You CANNOT be a carb-conscious onscreen villain. Impossible. Patrick Bateman from Amercian Psycho was the only exception. Picture Wo Fat on the South Beach diet. Not happening. Live hard and die harder, at least when on screen. Real TV villains eat snack packs of trans fat and sh*t out bullets. If those villains died, it was due to a cholesterol induced heart attack. Cause you bet your a*s they never got killed in no scuffle. But some model pretty boy on screen with a Fresca in his hand is the villain. OK.
The young girls already have TRL, Hell Date (dreck), Flavor Of Love, Road Rules, Ugly Betty, Sex In The City (that Gonzo nose hoe gotta go...now), etc. The stiffs have Frasier, Seinfeld and all that other sh*t. On Tuesday night before SVU comes on, I need to get warmed up with some brains against the wall cop show sh*t. What do I get? The Biggest Loser. Dreck.
Is it me or did TV comedies manage to get more buffoonish, yet less funny and arrogant? Say what you want about being PC, but George Jefferson, Fred Sanford and Archie Bunker's racist, sarcastic and offensive brand of humor was closer to what's really on everybody's mind. Let's not sugarcoat it, this ain't We Are The World. I'd rather see George Jefferson and Tom Willis go at it, deep down that addresses what a majority of the people have in the back of their heads, even if it's in good fun. Sweet-N-Low comedy must be quarrantined for the sake of human decency.
Early Def Comedy Jam and Eddie Murphy on Satuday Night Live= classic. Most of the comedians on BET today= good candidates for crash test dummies. And Richard Bey woulda wooped Jerry Springer's a*s in a fair one. I tell you, it all started with UPN 9 and Homeboys From Outerspace…
The moral of the story? READ A BOOK INSTEAD
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