How fast do you go from producing for a rapper with nothing to say to becoming one yourself? Light speed if you’re Ronny J. The man best known for the drop of a bored, drunk Valley girl saying “oh my gawd Ronny” decided it was time to throw his hat in the ring with “Jupiter” in 2020. Here’s a telling fact right off the bat — he’s supposedly signed to Atlantic Records but I see no evidence they released this physically or otherwise. I even checked Amazon and they listed the label as “independent.” A digital release is about as low risk, high reward as a record label can get and nobody would sign off on “Jupiter” to even that degree.

Listening to “Miami” I can see why. It somehow manages to ripoff every aspect of a Pitbull x Daddy Yankee collaboration without the appeal or style of either one. The lyrics are as dry as toast and more stale than croutons. Giving them an AutoTune correction doesn’t make them any more interesting. As bad as Lil Pump is lyrically, he’s got a personality (even if a vapid one) and a sense for what makes a song catchy and imitable. Ronny may understand that behind the boards but in front he does NOT.

“Baby, I could fly you in Miami
Mansion in Key Largo so fancy
Baby, let’s go deep on a jet-ski
Take you all around, you’re so sexy”

On top of being boring Ronny J’s lyrics don’t even make logical sense. Did he mean to say “let’s go half” on a jet-ski? Maybe Lil Pump ain’t paying him enough for the beats. Maybe he meant to go deep inside the woman he’s courting. I can think of better places than something splashing salty water in your face, where if you crashed at high speed having an orgasm you could snap your neck. Even Noreaga getting head in a whip while driving is safer. I shouldn’t analyze Ronny J’s lyrics though because I can feel brain cells shutting down rather than make the attempt.

“Let me fuck you in the bed, Roger Rabbit
Kill the pussy, put her in a casket”
– Ronny J, “Typical”

Ronny J wants desperately to be Juice WRLD but can’t pull it off. Jarad Higgins wore his heart on his sleeve to the point that even while heavily medicated he could connect with his audience emotionally. Ronny has no emotional resonance. The only emotions he has are greed and lust. “Fa$ter” sums him up as a performer perfectly. He has nothing else to talk about. He makes money and he fucks a lot. The instrumental is the most interesting part of the song, and even then I’m thankful it’s two minutes long.

Let’s just call “Jupiter” what it is — a producer drunk on his own ego who thought he could be as big of a star as the ones he helped make. Back in the day producers who were great rappers were such a rare breed they made a big deal out of it. Hell Diamond D called himself the “Best Kept Secret” because of it and he was right. Somewhere along the way everybody decided they could be a two sport star without realizing how hard that shit is. Michael Jordan was great in the NBA and the drizzling shits in baseball. Ochocinco failed his jump from the NFL to soccer. Even an all-time great pro wrestler and former UFC Heavyweight Champion like Brock Lesnar never made it past the Vikings practice squad. To paraphrase O’Shea Jackson, “Hey yo Ronny — stick to producing.”

Ronny J :: Jupiter
3.5Overall Score